I had my first appointment with mental health today.
Weird way to start out a blog post right?
I don’t care. I’m here to keep it real and I’ve made it a personal goal to be transparent about mental health to hopefully help increase awareness on the importance of getting help and break the stigma of it being negative to talk about having bad days, months, and over all bad feelings.
Day by day. Baby steps. Crawling to the next positive thought if you have to.
I will do anything to get past this season of life in order to figure out where that incredible, strong, independent, happy, joyful, not-lonely, Brytani went. And I will find her. I will hold her. I will speak to her with grace. Then, I will remind her she’s lived through 100% of her worst days -and trust me there are some bad ones. But staying here, in this deep dark hole, is not going to get her to where she has GOT to go.
So, let’s take it back. I’ve been in Europe for nine weeks and three days. That’s a long time, and yet the time I still have to go is even longer. I can’t wait for the day when the scale shifts and I’ve been here longer than I still have to go. (see August 2020)
50 weeks ago, I served my now ex husband with divorce paperwork. So, easy to say, a year ago was a rough time. However, over the course of the next 9ish months I was the best Brytani I have EVER been. I have never been happier – no, more JOYFUL. I have never loved myself more, probably because I took better care of myself. I did new things, I hiked, I spent time at church and with church friends, I had a lot of wine/sangria, I sat at the beach alone and loved it, I drove with the top off my Jeep and blared music that made me sing at the top of my lungs, I learned how to be a better staff sergeant, I made new friends, and I loved with every fiber of my being.
Ya know what I was doing..
I was LIVING.
And then.. and then all of my things were packed up, I didn’t have Amos (Jeep), I didn’t have my own place to call home. I said a lot of goodbyes, which I’m praying are really just see ya laters. I got on a plane, and I landed in a place I don’t speak a word of their language, to link up with a sponsor I couldn’t identify from a line up. But, what was done was done. I kept waking up here. I lived in a barracks room, I didn’t have a license or a car, I didn’t know how my new phone plan worked, I didn’t know the names of my new coworkers, the list goes on. I was lost. I was lonely as hell. I was scared. I was immensely sad. I hate change. (Ask Brechi) I. Hate. Change. When. I. Can’t. Control. It. (So why not keep signing my life away to the Marine Corps *eye roll*)
So, that’s why today I had my first mental health appointment. Because I’m not handling this change well. He brought up things which have compounded that I could handle until this move because he noticed I’m a person who thrives off my environment and since nothing is familiar I’m self imploding – ya don’t say. Carrying weight of losing Jared and what I’ve gone through in my marriage that made me have to get a ; tattoo for myself, losing Alex, a divorce, friends moving away, not being close to family as they go through their own struggles, saying goodbye to my Marines in Cali, leaving a church I really enjoyed, a recent devastating heart break .. the list goes on.
BUT THERE IS HOPE! Hard times will consistently be there, but so will Christ!
Today is day 1 of #thelast90days and I’m using that fully to my advantage.
This post is for me. I don’t need pity. I will however keep accepting mail of all kinds, any text or call, like or comment, reminding me that you’re thinking of me, all the positive thoughts, and lots of prayers. But this is for me to mark this moment and grow.
How will I do that, you ask?
>>I’m starting to serve in student ministry at my church. Because we all know how important student ministry is to me (see youth pastors daughter for six years).
>>I’m going to join a crossfit gym and sign up for races to show myself how truly strong and incredible my body is and build something nobody can take from me.
>>I’m going to travel. Everywhere. I’m going to fill my calendar and be somewhere new all the time. I have FIVE countries scheduled in the next five weeks! Four new ones.
>>I’m going to go to school again to earn my degree because I like learning and some day Team Rubicon is going to want that piece of paper.
>>I’m going to do things to improve my self esteem like finally getting my teeth fixed (since I kinda wasted thousands of my parents dollars years ago, sorry mom)
>>I’m going trust God and that he has a plan. Trust there is SOME reason why I’m here and this move isn’t the biggest mistake of my life; There is SOME reason why my heart is shattered by someone I guess who was just unworthy to hold my heart any longer.
How do you fit in? Just like I said above. Keep up with my progress, encourage me, and as always pray. I appreciate you, friends.
&ya know what, no this isn’t a blog post about my travel, but it is about how I’m learning to SO, LIVE through the obvious travel of the move. Win win.
So, Live; Through Travel 